Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Is it Me, or is it you?
I don't know anymore.
You drive me insane.
You know my triggers
and abuse them willingly.
Do you really love me?
I wonder sometimes.
You know me better than anyone,
yet you tease me, taunt me, and make fun.
I swear sometimes it feels like everyone
is out to get me.
Paranoia? Possibly,
but my heart tells me
that the reality
is exactly
as I perceive it to be.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Its strange how your eyes open wider and wider the older you get.
When you're young, you put up with a lot of things
because you don't want to be that loner girl who has no friends.

But I genuinely had a good time today.
We went to Con's house
and had a few shots of tequila
and played Rock Band
and Guitar Hero
and went to the Atlantic Mall.

I don't know much about Brooklyn.
I never really hung there.
I usually just stick to Queens or Manhattan
because I know where I'm going then
but today, I almost got lost
and instead of panicking, I decided to just let it go
and decided that if I get there, I get there.
And it was a beautiful feeling
of freedom and happiness
that lasted all night.

Happy Birthday to me.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Hush my mouth least I should speak
a word
a syllable of emotion buried within me
in me, a well of sensitivity
hold me-
the best conversations are held in my head
the pain of relations and all these frustrations
deterring me
stirring me
and my tears flowing
for release
from this burden of pain I feel everyday.
This mask was hollow from the beginning
now its cellophane
clear as the light shinning in my eyes
blinding me
casting the shadow that I am across this land.
And I'm so done living in it
when the living ain't good
and the dying ain't cheap
and the world ain't real
so I'm going to sleep
and if I should die
before I wake
well that's a risk
I'm willing to take.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I once was a young girl on Christmas-
No sleep on the night before-
Plagued by the anticipation
of what those boxes had in store.

I once was a teenager on Christmas
Wishing for the latest things:
Brand names and jewlery; Bags and perfumes;
Riches much fitted for kings.

I once was a woman on Christmas
reverting to childhood-like glee,
not for the toys or the presents,
but the joy of you being with me

Merry Christmas!


I'm used to this
the awkwardness;
insane distress.

Familiar pain,
I hide you well
deep in my heart
and smile, apart.

I disconnect
my mind, myself
from worldly bliss
because of this.

Don't show
the real me
because I fear
each shedding tear.

Would you judge
me like the crowd?
I pray you won't.
I hope you don't.

Of course you do.
You're like the rest,
but you tried you're best.
You tried your best.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Sometimes I'm naive
Sometimes I'd like like to stay a child forever
Safe in my little world
Sometimes I wish I were you

Sometimes I feel like a failure
Fat and miserable again
Sometimes I just want to escape
From this world forever

Sometimes I'm not sure what happiness is
Sometimes I feel like I have it now
Sometimes I feel like I had it then
Or did I ever?

Sometimes food is my comfort
The smells and taste excite me
So I eat until it hurts
Sometimes I like when it hurts

Sometimes I wish I could go back
And replace my emotions with the drive
Because the pain of living
Is sometimes too much

Sometimes I wish people could understand
Read me right away
Sometimes I think they do
Sometimes I'm wrong

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I'd Do It All Again

Ooh, you’re searching for something I know, won’t make you happy
Ooh, you’re thirsting for something I know, won’t make you happy
Ooh, you did it all again, you broke another skin
It’s hard to believe this time, hard to believe
That my heart, my heart’s an open door
You got all you came for, baby
So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride’s worth
Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts
And out runs all of the sadness
It’s terrifying, life, through the darkness

And I’d do it all again, I’d do it all again
I’d do it all again, I’d do it all again
You try sometimes but it won’t stop
You got my heart and my head’s lost, ooh yeah
I’ve been burning down these candles for love, for love
So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride
Ooh, someone to love, mm, someone to love
Someone to love
Ooh, you’re searching for something I know, won’t make you happy

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Letter to A Girl

I thought it would be appropriate to open this blog with a letter to the person who inspired its creation most.

You astound me, you know? Your sensitivity, your creativity, your a free spirit... Everything about you is beautiful. I knew that when I first started reading your blog that I wanted to get to know you. I knew that there was a connection. At the same time I was scared. I've been hurt many times by people that I've trusted with my heart. I can be very gullible, and extremely naive. I'm sensitive to other people's feelings, and I'm always worried about what they think. I feel like I can trust you though, but a part of me doesn't know. Sometimes I just want to be open with you about everything...about all my problems, because I know that you'll understand. At the same time I don't want to burden you with it all and I'm scared that you'll think less of me.
I want you to know that if I seem unresponsive sometimes, its just because I'm scared to say the wrong thing. I'm scared that I'll mess up and then you'll go away forever. You've been there for me at times when I was literally about to go out of my mind, and I don't want to lose that. I want to be there for you too, but I don't know how. I want to be open with you and get to know you, but I'm also afraid. You tell me I'm beautiful and I'm wonderful. Do you mean it? How could you possibly think it, after reading about me at my worst? Why would you be interested in someone like me, as a amazing and wonderful as you are?

I wish this were easier. I wish I could say all this to you. There is so much that I want to say to you. I wish I could tell how special you are to me...