Dear Mom,

I don't understand why you even came up here. What was the purpose? You obviously did not come here to see me, because mot of the time that you've been here all you've done is pick at me, talk about my friends, etc. What was the point? I can be depressed without you here. I can feel like a fat ugly stupid pig without a life and without a soul without you here to hammer in the point. I can sit and watch movies without you here. I can feel alone without you here. I can feel like I don't matter without you here. I can fight back these tears without you here. I don't need you for any of that. I needed you for love. I needed you to remind me that I'm alive. I needed you to actually give a damn. So I guess what I'm saying is...I don't need you.

I want to walk out of this dorm, and never come back. I want to just walk away from this life, and keep on walking until I get tired. Then when I get tired I will rest somewhere. Somewhere far far away from all of this and never come back. Its not so much that I don't want to live, I just don't want to live this life anymore. I don't want to be me. I want to be someone else. I want to be somewhere else. There is obviously a reason that no one gives a damn. There is something wrong with me. I don't know how to fix it, so until then I will just continue to run away from it.

Drugs
Come in all shapes
and forms
and sizes
but the effects
are all the same.
Addiction
can not be cured by the addict
and the question
is not
how do I give you up
but how do I manage
to justify
the lie
I tell myself each time
I pretend
that I can?

Help!
I'm screaming out
and the echo
is drowned
or suffocated
by the sound
of the wrappers
crunching
of the teeth
grinding

of the splash

as the refuse
turns to ash
from the burns
in my throat
and I choke
on the words
and the call
is stuck
behind the smile
and the false

laughter

in my eyes
behind the tears
that I cry
each night

muffled

by the silence.

My eyes opened this morning
to a light
that I hadn't seen
for a while.
Like an old friend
it placed its hand
lightly
on my shoulder
whispered "Good morning.
Today
is going to be
a beautiful day.
And do you know why?"
And with a sigh-
"Why?"
I asked
a smirk playing upon my face
for I knew
it was you
that had brought me
to this place.
Hello Contentment.
Je suis heureuse
parce que ma femme
a ma couer <3

Aquarius

When the moon is in the seventh house
And jupiter aligns with mars
The peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars

This is the dawning of the age of aquarius
The age of aquarius
-"Aquarius" from Hair

They say
Only a fattass finds fulfillment
In the crevaces of a cookie;
In a piece of a pizza
Pie
And who am I
To disagree
with them, the self-righteous
Masses,
all self-conscious, self-hating
asses
condescending; never-ending
reminding me
constantly
that I’ll never be
good enough
smart enough
pretty enough
for anyone.
The message conflicts
and nothing sticks
but the fat
on my back
and with this whisper
I have the strength
To purge
The words
from my head
And expel these rolls
And assume the roles
Delegated
to
My emaciated
Frame-
No shame
No blame,
Nor pain
Nor sane-
insanity, the way to be
to express
The stress,
This mess.
I attest,
The best
of me
Concealed
beneath
the bile
In my chest.

This random artistic moment was spurred by 3 expresso shots, procrastination, and artistic inspiration. Thus, my friend Alex (unwittingly) posed as my artistic muse. Yes, I know its not that great, but I had fun doing it. Off to draw something else. Hope you guys are having a beautiful day =P

Celebrity Crush of the Moment: Hari Kondabolu

Insightful? Check.
Cute? Check.
Representing the home town? Check.

I love this guy. <3

This Life in Motion
This World in Laughter

Happy Birthday Tina <3

I
am almost sick of being the one
who must always apologize.
With these eyes
I see
the different personalities
and interpretations of things that be
present, past, future.
Change
me, the person who claims you
and you claim to
enjoy me,
but in the context of
this complex luv
I wonder
what the hell
is this hell
I've wandered
into.

Alex

I'm sorry I've been away. There are just some things that I am trying to work on right now. My world is basically falling apart around me, and I'm trying to adjust, trying to pick up the pieces. I'm trying to find who I am. I need you here with me, but you're not. I need to be stronger. I don't know what I need. I love you. Don't be angry. Don't be hurt or sad. I am still here. I always will be. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I hope you read this.

My Paintings

New Years Resolutions:

-Find/keep peace of mind
-Be Happy
-Don't let other people's feelings disturb me
-Don't let other people's actions disturb me
-Be me; Be free
-Keep focused; don't let anyone deter me
-No negative thoughts
-Remember that I am beautiful no matter what I look like